I am a Doo Doo Brain

It's 2:31 am, just two hours and thirty one minutes into my oldest son's 9th birthday. I just got back from driving the second kid home from an eight kid sleep-over we agreed to hold as celebration of the afore mentioned birthday. They are dropping off like flies. The remaining six are wide awake with what appears to be no hope of sleep this evening. Amid the almost constant farting, I am currently listening to a most intense conversation over the merits of Tom and Jerry. I can't blame them for the "Old Faithful" like eruptions of gas, they have currently gone through in the course of the evening:

3 large pizzas
1 case of soda
1/2 of a 1/4 sheet birthday cake
2 bags of Cheetos
1 bag of Chex mix (yes, we were too lazy to make it)
1 box of Mustard flavored pretzel bites
1 box of Cheese Nips
1/2 quart of ice cream
2 bowls of popcorn

I actually just heard my son ask a kid to pull his finger... and the poor kid actually did it! I think I can smell that one all the way across the house. The question is if the kids are having fun, to which I think the answer would be yes. But the bigger question would be, "What the hell were Allison and I thinking?!?"

I think with all that went on with Terri Shaivo, the need for a Living Will and DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) is painfully evident. In addition, I propose a new type of "life disclaimer"... The DTR (Do Take Responsibility). With every Big Mac, every cup of scalding hot coffee, every pack of cigarettes, every Hostess Fruit pie, every car that can travel faster than 5 mph, every bottle of alcohol, and basically anything else, should come with a DTR that has to be signed and dated before the product can be purchased. Or even better, when you turn 18, you have to sign the DTR. A bold, forth-right statement saying "whatever I do, or purchase, or consume, I take responsibility". And until they turn 18, it should be the parents who would hold the DTR for the children.

Just think what the world would look like if everyone took responsibility for their actions. For instance, that family that sued McDonalds because eating there all the time made them fat... They would have never been able to sue. McDonalds would have pointed to the DTR and the family would have had to take responsibility. Instead of "we didn't know eating all that fatty fat food would make us fat, McDonalds should have stopped us", they would have to say "we didn't know eating all that fatty fat food would make us fat, it was our responsibility to find out just how fatty fat the food was and stopped ourselves". With all the information today via newspapers, internet, and T.V., you would have to be a pretty big moron not to know that McDonalds food is not all that good for you. It sure is tasty though.

Just think of what the world would look like... The Cookie Monster would still be able to enjoy all the cookies he could eat without the Children's Television Workshop having to worry about the message an all cookie diet sends. They wouldn't have to worry, because the parents would take responsibility for their kid's diet! And as a side note, didn't the Cookie Monster balance out his diet with various letters and other household objects? And another side note... THE COOKIE MONSTER IS A FREAKING PUPPET! HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY EAT THE COOKIES! If the Son's of Thunder tried to use the fact "the Cookie Monster eats a lot of cookies" as an argument to add more cookies to their diet, we would have to have a serious talk about reality.

I want to write a short story about a deadly metal bee... one that was sent by aliens (no, I don't believe in aliens, but they are always good for the unexplainable... and flu shots, but that is another story). This deadly metal bee would have the DNA of every living person on the earth encoded into a memory chip, and this deadly metal bee would go around killing people. The plan would be to wipe out the entire human race and leave earth for the alien's bidding.

The deadly metal bee would be a highly efficient killing machine, and thier plan would have worked, except upon landing on earth 150 years ago on the island of Hawaii, the deadly metal bee would kill it's first person and as it was going to the next victim, would get caught in a lava flow and become trapped in the hardened lava until just last week, when by an un-named act of nature, the deadly metal bee would be released. But since the deadly metal bee has DNA data that's over 150 years old, it flies around the world, trying to kill dead people. It burrows around through graveyards and anywhere else were the 150 year old DNA data would lead it.

And that's all I have for now... I guess that would be it. Maybe the aliens (which don't exist) would think that the deadly metal bee's mission would be complete and try to invade... or something like that.

PAUL HAMM'S! And he shouldn't even think of giving it back. The coach for the other gymnast is the one who made the error. Suck it up! If anything, I think the coach and gymnast should have done the right thing, admitted their error, and left it at that! Why should Paul Hamm pay for the coach's error? Hello, you are in the Olympics, maybe you should double-check the score card... that might be on my priority list as a coach... seeing the only thing the coaches seem to do is hug the gymnasts that do well, and shake there heads when a gymnast does poorly.

And don't play that "but in their country, this is everything to them... what will happen if they don't bring home the gold?" I'm tired of that sad-sack, lame-ass story. Big news.... Communism sucks! It has always sucked and it will suck forever more, because it doesn't work! Did you hear about the communist / socialist countries that were offering big financial bonuses for gold medals? Wake up pinko morons, that's capitalism in a nut-shell! What, did you finally figure out that the gulag wasn't motivating people the way you wanted?!?

In summary, should Paul Hamm give back the gold.... no. Should the other gymnast get a second gold.... no. Should the coach admit he fucked up, say he's sorry, and be happy that they still have the bronze.... yes. Take some accountability, you whining little wuss!

Okay, now I feel better.

I was at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo yesterday with my wife, the sons of thunder (new name for my three boys), and some newly found cousins. We saw all the exhibits, new and old, and enjoyed the day fully. When I say we saw all of the exhibits, I am not lying, we saw every stinking exhibit. Now, that doesn't sound like a great feat, but considering the shape I am in, plus the 80+ degree weather, plus from the entrance of the zoo to the last exhibit is equal to a ten story building, it was close to an act of God. But my amazing act of physical endurance is not the story.... The story is in a small exhibit about half-way up the mountain.

In a medium sized cage, with a nice tree and some rocks (nothing fancy) there was a porcupine. A simple, North American Porcupine (Erethezon Dorsatum) sitting on a branch of the tree in his very non-descriptive cage. We stopped to look at it and as we did the porcupine climbed down and stood at the bars of it's cage. "Cute" I thought as I got the camera out to take a picture. Then to our amazement, the porcupine started to rock back and forth in a sort of funny dance. He danced from side-to-side, gently rocking down one side of the cage and then back again. My kids (and my wife and I) laughed hysterically. We all sang out little tunes for the porcupine to dance too. I used my digital camera to take about a 10 second movie of the crazy, dancing porcupine, which I still need to download...

I tried to relay the story to a co-worker this morning, but it looses effect without actually seeing it. In hope that someone in webspace had uploaded a video of the dancing porcupine, I searched Google for "Cheyenne Mountain Zoo dancing porcupine" and found one site that looked promising. Unfortunately, no video... But what I did find was an interesting commentary on the porcupine of Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. The blog related the dance of the porcupine as "utter frustration and desperation...". To be honest, unless the lady blogging is a female North American porcupine, I can't figure out how she knew the intention of the dancing porcupine. Her main rant was how there are a few corporately sponsored exhibits that are nice and fancy, yet the dancing porcupine was in a not-so-fancy, cage without corporate sponsorship. I believe the only frustration and desperation was with her perception of injustice.

I would be hypocritical to try and guess her motives or anything else she might be feeling, but that type of transposition drives me nuts. Giving human feelings to animals is as crazy as talking to your car when it isn't running well; or when your kid stubs their toe on a chair (after reminding them repeatedly to stop running in the house) and blaming the "mean old Mr. Chair" for their injury. Suuure, maybe the poor dancing porcupine really had to pee and was embarrassed because we were all standing there watching him, so he was rocking back and forth, holding it in until we left. Boo-Hoo! Poor dancing porcupine. For all I know, the dancing porcupine was trying to mate with my camera bag or maybe it was just rocking back and forth like my two year old sometimes does, for no reason at all (no, he is not rocking like Rainman). All I know, as far as my family is concerned, it was the funniest thing at the zoo.

I have heard a bunch of what people think of "The Passion of the Christ" and so I thought I would throw my two cents in. Well, not really... To be honest, I saw the movie last week and I still haven't finished processing it internally. To be sure, I have wrestled with the surface questions like, "What gospel was the basis of the movie?" and "Why did Satan have a baby-demon-thingy when Jesus was beaten?", but there is a mess of deeper issues I haven't been able to even put words to. What has struck me the most, however, about this movie is what Christians are saying between each other.

I am not talking about praises and critics, I am talking about the "greatest outreach program in 2000 years!" Which is true to some extent. More important than that however, this is the greatest time for prayer. I believe we need to not only have churches rent out theaters, but pack their prayer rooms. I have heard churches asking members to bring a non-believing neighbor to the movie, but not for increased and ongoing prayer for that neighbor. And how about prayer "against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness (evil) of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12. Look at some of the reaction to "The Passion", there is a lot going on in the spiritual realm...

Maybe it's a given, maybe I am the only chuckle-head that needs to be reminded. But in case I am not...

Pray. Pray naked. Pray often.

I was in my car the other day, when I had this idea. What if, through the decoding of the human genome and all the research being done on unraveling of human DNA, it was discovered that the knowledge of sin and good / evil (a.k.a. -The Fall) could be traced to a certain gene. And that through complex gene therapy, a person could become mentally and physically (obviously not spiritually) restored to a "Pre-Fall" condition. There are some very glaring differences to the "Pre-Fall" condition, namely the decay that sin introduced into the world (aging, sickness, etc.) and our separation from God (bridged only by Christ). But how would the removal of the knowledge of good and evil affect us and even more important, if such a thing were possible, would we choose it?

Let's say for sake of argument, that everyone who chose PFGT (Pre-Fall Gene Therapy) would be relocated to a remote, isolated, self-sustaining island. That way, the ravages of the sinful world would not affect the PFCs (Pre-Fall Converts) and their nudity would not offend the rest of the population. Wild animals would be forbidden, unless they too underwent PFGT, however, environmental groups would undoubtedly protest and have the procedure banned for animals. PFGT for humans would of course be okay, because it's a person's right to choose what genes are in their body (ha HA!).

At this point, I was pretty amused at my cleverness and continued to run through fun, little everyday scenarios, like a little reality TV show in my head. How would the PFCs deal with chores, and love, and death? Death... And then, how would they deal with God? Would there still be sin and rebellion due to the spirit of man? Even if the sin was removed out of the PFCs minds, wouldn't their heart, their spirit, be sinful? Or would the untainted view of the Creator wipe all that out? And if it did wipe that out, and their hearts were pure, would they still need Jesus? Something deep in my spiritual core is saying they would...